What Is Beauty?

(photo from www.africanheritage.com)

I'm climbing on my soapbox today... be forewarned!

I've never really bought into the mainstream media's and Hollywood's definition of "beauty". Or the "ideals" they promote. While I do feel that we've definitely evolved and now bear witness to a much more diverse range of "faces" in the media than I experienced as a child.... I still feel as though, on the whole, the same ideal continues to be being chased by young girls.

I have always felt a bit different, in that I am a Caucasian woman who is not blonde, blue-eyed, and slim. It's made my "place" harder to locate and I'm still hard pressed to find media role models that I feel reflect my build and look. When Jennifer Lopez appeared in Selena, I could barely catch my breath. Could it be? A woman with HIPS and BUTT wearing skin tight white pants and causing a sensation? Yes, it was a triumph and a sigh of relief. But JLo is Hispanic and reflects a body type many Hispanic women have. As a "white gal" with some mediterannean features and a figure the origins of which I cannot pinpoint, I'm constantly questioning where I belong. Then there was Beyonce, who is both Caucasian and African-American -- but her hips have always been attributed to her black roots. It seems as though every time a white celebrity appears that I even begin to feel I can identify with, they whittle themselves away (Kelly Clarkson, Jenna Von Oy....).

I know that we are social beings and look for comfort in familiarity. I've looked for that familiarity and have not found it. This is perhaps why why I've always been a bit different from the general public in my outlook. I've developed into a person who finds true beauty in diversity. I am mesmerized by the uniqueness of a person's face, I gravitate towards defining features, I revel in what makes a person stand out.

Think about it for a second. What is real beauty? At the risk of sounding like a preachy DOVE ad, really think about it. If we all looked the same (or made efforts to achieve this sameness), would the world not be a boring, generic place?

Reflecting on the teen girls I see out there, a disturbing homogeneity becomes apparent -- the platinum-blonde-streaked hair, the eyebrows plucked into rail thin arches, the caked on makeup (especially black eyeliner) that doesn't necessarily flatter their unique complexions and colouring. I can appreciate the struggle to discover one's place in the world (ah, those memorable, tumultuous adolescent years!) and discovering one's identity. It's a phase we all go through in our quest to find ourselves. But how do we go about teaching and promoting the EMBRACING of our uniqueness as opposed to the pursuit of sameness?

I've had daydreams/nightmares about a society 100 years in the future where all diversity and variety has vanished. We're seeing it happen with the Big Box stores and globalization and gentrification. But the power of Hollywood and Paris Hilton reaching further and further, who's to say this universality doesn't one day affect the very appearance of the human race?

It's not fair to knock Paris. In many ways, I do respect that she maximizes the way she looks (although who knows what "look" she was actually born with). She hasn't gone the way of Barbie and inflated her chest, and actually WORKS WITH the fact that she is a thin, small chested woman. There's something to be said for that. However, she still does represent a singular beauty standard that we are seeing rippling througout the world.

My personal nightmare: a world of clone-like women. Which would explain why making films with diversity are so important to me. Maybe I won't change people's opinions, but I'm giving voice and exposure to women that I choose to identify and celebrate.

It is what makes us DIFFERENT that makes us BEAUTIFUL.

This has become my motto.

Tatyana

Atlanta Belles-and-Bottoms

I slept like a baby at the Hampton Inn. Melted right into the king size bed and drifted off to blissful sleep. Unlike my NYC experience, the halls and neighbouring rooms were dead-silent and I awoke feeling completely refreshed. What a relief!

(I'm obsessed with taking photos of my hotel rooms.... esp. when I'm staying in the US burbs because they are just soooo BIG for one person. This is the 'sitting room/office')

(continuing on my pictoral tour of my hotel room, here is the garbage can in the kitchenette)

(yes, I've already made a mess of my bed... how comfy does that look though! Props to Hampton Inn... I'm serious!)

I was already behind a day -- we were killing two birds with this Atlanta trip by filming with two characters. However, the "Jeans Designer" and I hadn't managed to connect in person yet to work out the details for our shoot in a few days. But I didn't have time to dwell on that... I had to finish up my shoot plan for today... and get myself looking somewhat presentable.

For those who know me, I am a bit anal (the puns are endless) when it comes to my appearance. I wouldn't quite call myself high-maintenance but I'll admit that I'm rather self critical. I do take care with how I dress and look. Add a camera (that I will appear before from time to time) to this equation and you have: a significant amount of extra time spent getting ready each day. But, those are the breaks.

I am in Atlanta to film an artist who partakes nude booty photography. His work really is something to behold -- and I am withholding details to build anticipation...

We met up with our first character (aka the "Artist") at his place.... and surprised him with a bit of filming as he was pulling up in his car, returning from an errand. We proceeded to film footage of his prior work and a background interview. The content was great, but I quickly became aware of an error in my planning. I had not allowed much time for "set-up". Over the past few years, I'd clearly become spoiled in dealing with tiny 'prosumer' cameras that maximize available light. I was further corrupted more recently by shooting as a one person crew for MTV Canada....on those shoots, I basically just WENT. As my crew fiddled to get the lighting and environment just right, I started to get anxious. Needless to say, this put us behind...

A bit of background filming at the Artist's place and we had to boogey to get to a coffee shop to meet some previous models from his exhibit.

In actuality, the local mall was the true place where gals from his community gather, but we weren't able to get clearance to film there. Apparently, the mall management did not sympathize with the Artist's work and did not see the benefit of allowing a camera crew (however small and inobtrusive we were) to film for reasons other than to feature a mall-specific event. So a coffee shop was the alternative... a lovely place called the Urban Grind. Tons of ambience... the owner let us turn down the music and set up stronger lights, as well as create a round-table like setting for me to interview and chat with a group of the female models.

(chattin' it up with the gals/models at the "Urban Grind" cafe)

(we could have talked for hours!)

It was a great chat -- Canadian Tatyana with a crew of Southern African American gals of all ages.... the subject: booty. What else? The girls shared their varied reasons for participating in the exhibit, as well as their experiences. By the end of the chat, several expressed the joy of being able to share their stories with a group of like-minded people and began ruminating over setting up a networking group! It was so refreshing to see -- the women were empowered and basking from the experience, as was I!

Though I had scouted and met with the Artist months back, you never really get to know someone until you spend a full, time-crunched day with them. This is when you see people's true colours. I experienced a bit of push-and-pull with the Artist, as he had his own ideas on how to film, and having made his own documentaries, had a very different approach to storytelling from my own. I understood and appreciated his intent to offer me "more than I needed" to film so I'd have options. But this posed complications to the schedule I had so precisely arranged. For example, he found a "New Model" and brought her to the coffee shop, mentioning that he'd be photographing her that night and we should come along. How could I turn that down? After all -- the girl was a first-timer AND was willing to disrobe with a camera in the room. So I decided to reschedule the additional planned segments with the Artist for another day.

(what's going on in here?!?)

When we got to the studio, I proceeded to try to interview the New Model. It was then that I found out the following things:

- she was only 19
- she was extremely unarticulate (vapid??)
- she was an escort!!!

As she offered useless, one-word answers to me and proceeded to get nekkid without the slightest bit of demureness, the scene took on a whiff of seediness. Where was my timid doubting gal with much verbally expressed hesitation? Where was my gentle, coaxing photographer, using his powers of persuasion to get her to see the beauty of nudity? I likened this experience to soft porn -- as the girl lounged between shots, showing off expressionless, full-frontal nudity. I immediately began to wonder just how long she had been in her line of work.

My mind already began to plan for the next shoot and ways to 'undo' this 'mess'. This was not the story I wanted to tell! But, it was the story that was unfolding, and a part of me challenged myself to tell it like it is. I've always had a tendancy to sugar-coat and edit a pretty picture. The New Model was in a sense illustrating what the critics might say about nude booty art... it made me uncomfortable but did that make it NOT WORTHY of telling? Therein was my first dilemma, and we were only into our first day of filming!

You never really can plan when you're filming real life.... I tell ya!

Waffle-size My Butt

So we're off on our first main shoot for "What A Booty!"

Our little trio boarded an Atlanta-bound flight in T.O. on Monday afternoon. It was already delayed by a half-hour when we claimed our seats, only to find out that due to a "fuel inspection error", we'd be delayed some more.

I don't think anyone would have believed that a fuel inspection form filled out incorrectly would lead to a plane-full of people stuck for 3 hours on the Pearson tarmack -- but it happened! First we were told it would be resolved "soon"... then a "little later"... then the stewardesses began trying to get various passengers on alternate flights... and at one point, many of us were told to disembark to try to catch another flight.... before we were ushered back on board. Three hours, folks.... before we took off.

Some of us found some well-needed release in free booze... others (namely me) fumed silently at a lost day. (I really needed to get to Atlanta by early evening to tie up some loose ends and have some meetings).

By the time we landed, got our rental car and made our way to our hotel, it was 12:30. What's a tired, famished traveller to do in Suburban Atlanta on a Monday late nite? Why, dine at the WAFFLE HOUSE, as there are no other options.

Let's just say it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience. In other words, experience it once in your lifetime, if you indeed value your life. After scanning the gut-rotting menu (Denny's is 'diet-conscious' compared to this joint), I decided to order a "safe" omelette and toast. And I relaxed a bit. After all, we were in Atlanta... and the restaurant's ambience was fun ... old school diner-style complete with jukebox and "down home Southern" staff.

But all went downhill when the food arrived.

I had the crew in stitches as I tried to sop up the tablespoons of oil in which my egg mixture floated.... pure oil.... which pairs brilliantly (at least the cook seemed to think so) with the butter-drenched white toast. I couldn't find enough tissue to complete the mission.

A few bites, and I was done...The guys did slightly better....

Let's just say, with a fleet of Waffle Houses across Atlanta, I might just have caught an early glimpse into a potential cause of the city's "Booty Capital" status.

Lessons learned so far on this trip:

- if you're going to bring your laptop travelling (perfect for those 3 hour plane delays), make sure the battery is charged first
- when in Atlanta, dine before midnite if you value your arteries

Tomorrow we start filming.

Big Apples in the "Big Apple"

So it's 7AM and I'm wondering how I'm going to manage through the day in NYC -- I wanted to be fully rested, knowing how on the ball you have to be around here....

My camera man (a local hire) calls me at 8 to tell me he's in horrendous traffic and wont be able to make the 9AM call time -- it would be more like 10AM. I'm suddenly so glad we decided to plan this as a full day shoot (9 hours) as opposed to the half-day I had initially envisioned (4 hours). Sarah's not due at my hotel until 10AM, so no worries.

I get my coat and decide to wander out for a coffee. It's the first time I've seen Times Square in a fairly reasonable state -- the last time I was here it was mid-summer and 24/7 chaos and congestion. Today, it's just people scuttling off to work... and, oh ya, a half-naked fireman (no NOT the naked cowboy!) being interviewed by some morning show in the middle of the Square.

For a moment, I'm willing to forgive New York everything...and I stop in my tracks to take in his tanned, muscular bod from afar. He's in his fireman's overalls, minus a shirt, and let's just say it was NIPPY out this morning. Where else in the world will you see such a sight at 9AM?

Grab my coffee, head back, fiddle with the gear for a bit...and soon enough both Sarah (my subject) and my shooter have arrived. Sarah is this beautiful, intelligent journalist working in NYC. She's been blessed with a majorly bountiful bottom, and has self-published an incredibly cheeky book about butts (scroll back through the archives to find out more about it). My kinda gal! I still find it so cool that we both have been operating on parallel paths and were able to come together for a common goal!

The plan today -- rig a hidden camera in her purse to capture the "rear view" of her life. New York is insane when it comes to forward catcalling... I've been on the receiving end far too many times, but I'm basically working with a quarter or so of what Sarah's blessed with. So I could only imagine what she goes through every day. I was about to find out.

We manage to reasonably rig the camera, and soon enough, with camcorder viewing screen in hand, Sarah wanders off. She's determined to get the real view, and fears our cameraman will scare off the true gawkers. So we play several games of cat-and-mouse with her, and at one point I start to get frustrated. After all, hidden camcorder footage is not nearly as important (or costly) as the professional camera we have with us that is unable to keep up with her.... But then I think, what would I do in her shoes? Probably the same thing -- get caught up in the experiment. All of these years she's had an idea of how people respond to her butt from the front, and catches the odd side glance...but now she had a full view of what was going on in the world behind her, unbeknownst to the people on the street. Of COURSE she was preoccupied!

We were stopped THREE TIMES in the course of 4-5 hours by various security guards, film personnel and cops. Each time, Sarah flashed her Police Press Pass (how much do you think THAT would go for on the Black Market??) and we were left alone. To be totally honest, the only reason I came to NYC to do this segment is because I knew Sarah would handle the cops. I've had my run-ins every time I've had a camera in hand... and just didn't want to deal with it again. First, a Hollywood movie set in the middle of a street with some random guy asking me who I was with and to get off "his set".... Next, a tiny little blonde who told me she was with Park management and asked for my permit to film there (meanwhile I was standing on the SIDEWALK, which I briskly informed her of). Can you believe she persisted? Then a security gard in another park....

We got the segment. At least I hope we did -- I have yet to view the rushes. Sarah was so professional and brave... taking it all in stride....
The men we did catch on film had some of the most exaggerated reactions I've ever seen -- and they didnt even know until after the fact that they were being filmed! (releases...) Couldn't have prepped them or choreographed it better myself! Good stuff... fun stuff!!

And once I was on my own again with a couple of hours before I had to head back to the airport, the attention returned to me. I caught far too many men leering and uttering the very popular and all-encompassing expression: "Daaaamn!" As though that says it all. Sarah also educated me that men will look immediately at your hips and thighs, to get a sense of whether your behind is worth checking out. Shouldn't have told me, because I became hyperaware of this bizarre fact for the rest of the day..... yes, she was right.

Toronto doesn't quite react to booty in the same way. And most men will bite their tongue and save their comments unless they're with friends egging them on. But not NYC -- everyone's fair game. All in all, not a totally bad experience. Our little crew of three made it work and got the job done!

But mark my words -- next time I head for the Big Apple, it will be strictly for pleasure! My sanity depends on it!

En Route to the First Shoot

Not exactly sure how I ended up in Pittsburg but it was the necessary connecting flight to get me to NYC without costing a grand or some ludicrous amount like that. It's a Sunday so I don't mind the couple extra hours of travel time. Plus, I've never been to Pittsburg. Not that I got to see what was beyond the airport...

General observations: lots of skinny white dudes working at the various shops. As I wander a bit in between flights, I am surprised to discover a Victoria's Secret in the airport! Something about that really surprises me... Yes, it's a major American retailer. And yes, it sells what some could argue are necessary garments... I venture in, but feel as though buying underwear in an airport is slightly bizarre, almost inappropriate.

Especially for a place that has thick black plexiglass shielding the "T&A" on Maxim, Stuff and Blender. Doesn't that seem a tad bit strange? Risque red dental floss thong lingerie in plain view... glistening bikini-clad photo of girl hidden from view. Is Pittsburg that conservative of a place? It's definitely a strange sight... the models' eyes peering over the plexiglass shield... But I wander on.

Something about travel makes me super drowsy. I've been doing enough of it lately, and it's always the same dazed state that accompanies me as I wander through airports. I suspect it's the cabin air - it's the only thing that seems to make sense. If that were indeed the case, it would explain why oxygen bars were popping up in airports at one point.... I think I saw one recently in Vegas... are those things still around elsewhere? I don't know.

I venture into the candy store:

a) because I have an insatiable sweet tooth and
b) American candy amuses me

As expected, there were chocolate bars I had never seen before... something called "Cow Tales" and some weird Reese Peanut Butter cup thing that was filled with marshmallow.... curiouser and curiouser! I wonder if there are infinite possiblities for types of candy bars. So it would seem....considering the amount of artificial flavours out there. Or have we seen it all... every variation and combination of a finite group of key ingredients? It's hard to say.

Who eats Baby Ruth, anyway?

I pick up some weird candy bar and go to pay, handing over what I think is an american dollar coin, but is in fact a Loonie. I suspect something is wrong when the young cashier's brow wrinkles as she looks down at the coin. I apologize, saying I handed her the wrong coin and she passes it back to me saying: "You probably want to keep this. I've never seen anything like it before". I have to keep a straight face. I could excuse her ignorance, seeing as she works in an airport in a country that shares a pretty large border with Canada -- home of the bright, shiny Loonie.

But, am I being unfair to this young gal? American readers, would you recognize the Canadian loonie if it crossed your palm?

I can't decide if I prefer flying the big jumbo jets (more passengers, more hold up getting on and off) or the smaller planes (closer quarters, no entertainment). Regardless, my nose keeps getting me into trouble on my travels. On the connector to Pittsburg, I was sitting beside an average looking mid-40s gentleman. And he vaguely smelled of some chemical you might whif in a dentist's office. Of course, I'm convinced I have the sharpest nose on Earth as I detect the most subtle of scents, for better or worse. In this case, worse. 1 1/2 hours worth.

So, I get onto the plane to NYC -- a big jumbo jet this time. And it's the longest I've waited to actually get INTO the cabin. It turns out practically everyone on the flight is trying to cram slightly too big carry on luggage into the limited overhead bins and somewhat arrogantly arguing over it.

So we stand, and we wait.

And thus, my familar "warning" appears as I'm en route to NYC. The young man beside me on the plane is sitting on my seatbelt. He's annoyed when I interrupt his grade-school-girl gossip with two female friends sitting a row in front. I say thank you -- his reply: "Right."
"Right?" What would be "wrong", then?

I think I dislike this response even more than the American favourite: "Uh huh." I guess my over abundant use of "thank you" puts a big glaring Canadian sign on my forehead. I'll keep it thank you very much. Politeness goes a looooong way in my world.

The "he's with her....ohhh can't believe she did that"-type gossip finally stops and dude sits back to begin munching on his hangnails.

Yes, I love travel.

I'm travelling to NYC for my first official shoot for "What A Booty!" And I'm without a securiy blanket -- it's my first trip to the Big Apple entirely solo. I'm worried about the filming. We're trying to pull off a little experiment -- my NYC gal character and me -- and how we're going to accomplish it logistically and deal wih releases as well as rude folks is making me antsy.

I have yet to have a trouble-free shoot in NYC. I'm convinced it's actually impossible. I know New Yorkers can smell fear, but do I really have time to retrain my brain?

I check into my hotel room in Times Square. This one officially is the smallest one to date I've ever stayed in. It's nicely done up and has a plasma tv. BUT, the ENTIRE ROOM is the Queen bed, with less than a foot of walking space around it. No closet, no bathtub... bare bones. I really don't mind.


I meet up with a friend of mine. We grab dinner and she helps me pick up some camera-friendly makeup at Sephora. She's a doll. We have coffee, hang out. I call it a night.

Until I'm woken up in a jarring fashion at 3AM. An alarm is going off in the hallway and it takes me a few seconds to remember where I am and assess the situation. Remember, I'm super paranoid and anxious by nature. So I'm thinking, if someone pulled the alarm as a diversion, the same person might very well see me come out of my room alone in my pyjamas and target me later on... So I lie very still, and listen. I hear someone in the hallway asking if it's getting shut off.... 15 minutes go by, and finally it stops.

And I proceed to toss and turn for several hours before drifting off into a light sleep. My alarm goes off what feels to be SECONDS later at 7AM... and I'm off to an un-restful start to my day. I won't even get into what the useless front desk gal says to me when I voice my dismay at the inconvenience.

New York -- you and I are going to take a bit of a break from each other. I know I said I'd give you another try, but you won't even meet me half-way. There are other cities that will treat me far better, I assure you.
It's your loss.

But there's no time for dramatics... it's time to officially SHOOT!!

Wish me luck!

Everybody Wants My Fanny!

Thank you Brian for the tip on this fun song. Wasn't familiar with this guy before this:

Have a listen:

Booty Tune of the Day!


What's YOUR favourite booty tune?

I'm Migrating South....

Fall days are here in full force. Yes I am one of those people who loves that familiar crispness in the air! I'm a fall baby -- it's in my blood....

We got an extra-harsh blast of fall-cum-winter this past weekend... which marks a significant moment in the life of my film:

The bootys are slowly retreating into hibernation.

A strange time to be shooting a film when we're headed into the months where we wrap and bundle ourselves in fleece and down... but that's just how long it's taken things to get going.

Fortunately there are Southern States to visit for a little relief and ongoing inspiration!

I guess a winter of shooting will be good for my OWN booty, as it will have to keep moving and moving will keep it healthy. So long as I am careful with the Southern home cookin'!

Which brings me to another realization. Eating healthy while in production is always such a huge challenge! I can't remember the last time I've had FRUIT or substantial healthy VEGGIES even, on a shoot. The fast-paced, frenetic schedule somehow doesn't make it realistic or even appealing.... so I'm going to make a conscious effort to try to eat healthier now... in the week(s) leading up.

So when the going gets bootyless, the booty documentarian goes South.... (well, I'll be going West as well... but that's not as dramatic!)

Tatyana

Shake That?

I'm obviously familiar with Eminem's song "Shake That"... funny, I should go back and count how many songs directly targeted at the rear that he's done in the past little while.... but anyhow, I'd never seen the VIDEO.

Follow the link, if you dare. I admit, it's quite misogynistic. But, I think the animation is really fun....CUTE actually... I bet it's a conscious move to get away with raunchier material than would get by if it were live-action:

Click here for the video

Thoughts?

TT

Let the ASScapades Begin!

I'm pleased to announce that I've just booked our first shoot:

Date: November 14th
Destination: Atlanta!
(which there has been more and more consensus lately on is the 'booty-capital' of the US)



(another fun company that I just discovered in the good ol' capital) -- I LOVE how the pear-shape (which in itself is a rather lame term, has evolved into something sleek and sexy like a cola bottle!)

We might actually start shooting a week before then for a smaller segment, but this one's the big first shoot with a main character!

I've got my dream shooter, who I haven't worked with in many years but whom I trust wholeheartedly will deliver what I need. And from here on in, there's no turning back!

Can't wait to DO this!

Nuff Said!

Fridge Magnet available at:

www.stickerGiant.com

My New Pledge

I hereby promise not to make another post unless its a fun, exciting, and most of all optimistic one!

Stay tuned...

Tatyana

Win One, potentially Lose One.

I've sort of managed to avert major disappointment. Talked to another partner in the "company" (sorry for being so cryptic.... I want to leave some surprises for the film). We appear to have come up with a good alternative main character. I just have to interview her this weekend and trust my GUT (which I've recently been reacquainted with) on if she'll work for the film. She has a booty, has been a model for the company for a long time, and as a close first cousin to one of the partners, has stood beside the brand through events, development, fittings for new styles.... her butt has been there every step of the way....

Now, I've got to deal with my second MIA character in a week. My Spidey-senses are tingling again... there's something afoot here. I already know she's had another offer to do a film and apparently there's something in the way of an "exclusivity clause" that's being pushed on her. I was told this shouldn't be a problem earlier on in the game, but I'm guessing it's just become one. We've all got our contracts and releases we need signed to ... cover our butts...

***Side Note: where on earth did THAT expression originate from????****

...but I have a feeling between my release and this mysterious contract with another producer, the gal could be fearful of signing her life away. And rightfully so. Now if only she would call me back and give me the details, dirty or not.

At least it's the weekend and I can wait in eager anticipation while in the comfort of home. Maybe it's time to have a glass of wine and toast the progress thus far..... I have a soft spot for a good glass of Chianti....

Tatyana, the Grumpy?

Wow, readers of this blog must think I'm such a grumpy person with the amount of anxiety-filled posts I've had lately.

If anything, the goal of my negative emails is to deter any future filmmakers from making documentaries, through experiencing my stories of just how darn hard it is to make one! (kidding) It's reality -- the struggles and roadblocks make the rewards that much sweeter, etc. etc. (chin up, kids!)

Which leads me to my latest "drama". You'll remember that I just locked my main characters last week.

Yesterday, I got on the phone to confirm some scheduling with one of the characters. And... I was told by the receptionist that said-woman was no longer an employee of the company! As in, the company that celebrates the booty is still open for business, but my charming, young, bootyful spokesmodel is history.

Not the greatest piece of news to get, and completely unexpected.

Well, maybe not completely unexpected....I was having some doubts. Let's just say that the little voice inside of me, that squirmy part of the belly that seems to squirm only when it has an important message to get all the way up to my brain.... well, I might have been guilty of quieting it in the past few weeks.

Unreturned phonecalls, communicating solely with ONE of several partners in the company..... there were red flags for sure. But, trying to change my worrywart/pessimist ways (which may turn out to be a life-long mission), I soldiered on.

And then the reality hit.

So here I'm scrambling. Knowing that there is a fair bit of manipulation that happens behind-the-scenes in documentaries, I can construct a new reality with this company, seeing as what they do is just so wickedly cool. But I also like to set certain boundaries which would otherwise push things into the "reality-tv" realm of reality in my opinion. The organic link and storyline have been uprooted. And now I've got a nice puzzle to sort out this weekend.... plant some new seeds in this dreary time in November.

It will work out.... (**grinning through gritted teeth**)... I know it will.....

I'm suffering from B.B.A. -- Browsing Booty Addiction

I...can't.....stop....browsing.....

It's addictive. And endless. Especially for booty. You click on one booty girl and she's got all her bootylicious friends in her list....not to mention various mags she's modelled for and smaller companies she's helped promote for....

These mags list all of the girls who have or wish to work with them...meaning MORE bootys.... these bootys find community with other bootys....it's an endless cycle.

A friend told me the other day that my MySpace friends list is the most bizarre mishmash of people ever (or something to that effect). I don't really agree. If you know that I am in fact filming a documentary about booty, all of the people listed generally make sense and fall into one of the following categories:

- personal friends

- bootylicious gals

- kick-ass women entrepreneurs or activists

- men who support (and wait in eager anticipation) for my film....

- the obligatory musicians who's promotional perseverance I have to respect...

That about covers it.

Now if only I could stop browsing. I wonder if there's a program or support group somewhere out there for people with my problem.... can't stop....

Guess I'll browse around and see if there are any.... Ack, I give up!

TT

Shame on Oprah!

Click here to see what I'm talkin 'bout!
(thanks for the lead, Tina!)

For shame Oprah, for shame. I mean, really. An episode called "Does My Butt Look Big?"

Of all the segments and initiatives you've had teaching women to love and celebrate and maximize their bodies, you title a segment encouraging women to question what they've got from the rear-view?

"My Butt Looks Big!" declares celebration and acceptance.
"Does My Butt Look Big?" proclaims uncertainty, identifies "big" as negative and overall mocks the progress of women's body acceptance in our twisted society.

Here I am making a film about Maximizing a gal's Assets, and one of the most powerful women in American media is asking us to Question them!!

To be fair, I haven't watched the episode, only a few short clips online. But why, oh, why do we insist on being a society that HIDES rather than FLAUNTS. And even if the message is to all the women who don't dress appropriate for their shape, at least cloak it in a more celebratory title with kind hints like how to wear pants in your actual size!

Had I been a faithful Oprah-watcher, this would have hit me a lot harder. I imagine that I would feel really betrayed. But fortunately, I have never really understood the obsession with Oprah's show and can count on one hand the number of episodes I've watched in their entirety. I do not get the appeal as she offers me nothing that I cannot get elsewhere and I do not find her all that watchable.

I hope she follows up this episode with a celebration of butts.... to show that she's a woman to explore all sides....

On second thought, no, I hope she doesn't. I want my film to be that counterattack.

And it most certainly will be.

False Alarm!

One of my beloved characters has resurfaced and so....we're full steam ahead!!

It's a momentous day -- my 3 main characters are locked, the plan is coming together...
and, oh yes, I am also one year older.

Which means, of course, that it's time to reflect....

There are days when I feel I've acheived so much success in terms of chasing my career dreams. There are others where I feel like a fraud for believing I can make an honest living by chasing people with interesting lives around with a camera! To this day I often don't get the credit I'm due because of how young I look -- at least a good 3-4 years younger than my actual age. I can see how this wouldn't be a huge "difference" when you're 40 or 50, but when people assume you're still in post-secondary or freshly graduated, it's a different story. I feel like I've been (somewhat defensively) telling people I graduated "3 years" ago for years now! Hey, reality-check, Tatyana! You claimed your diploma in 2001... you, my dear, are getting older.

A baby face can be a blessing -- people aren't threatened, they more easily open up to you, and they are shocked and impressed when you speak with a certain level of intelligence (instead of the teen-speak they were expecting).

But a baby face can also mean -- people are reluctant to trust your experience and are more often inclined to immediately try to "help" you and guide you. Leaving you with more to prove, which is just plain more work!

I still get a kick out of meeting people for the first time that I've communicated with entirely via phone and email. The fleeting, slight "Oh!" expression in their eyes when they meet me is classic. I translate it as: "Oh, she's just a kid!" Hey, maybe I've been off all of these years and what I really should be reading in those raised eyebrows is "Oh, she's got a really large head!" You never really know!

Regardless, I am well aware of how blessed I am. And I am grateful for the amazing people who continue to believe in me. You know who you are!

The day that people stop opening their hearts and lives to me and allowing me to share in their amazing journeys is the day that I seek out a new passion. So far, there are enough amazing people out there to keep me going for a long time!

Thank you!

Tatyana

The "Drama" of Documentary - pt.1

A few steps back, a giant leap forward. Such is the ongoing drama of my life.

It seems as though every time I make that huge commitment and decide on characters for a project ,there is this disconnect that happens. Wish I could see into the minds of these folks because I'm assuming they go through a sort of "honeymoon-esque" bliss -- first the build-up of excitment: "what a cool project!" & "this would be such a wicked experience!" & "I don't want to get my hopes up but I'd really like to participate. Wonder what the likelihood is?", their imaginations run wild at the possibilities... they rationalize that they shouldn't get too interested at risk of disappointment....

And then I make the call. I let them know they are exactly what I'm looking for.... They are excited, motivated, grateful... And, what takes place next, without fail, is the communication lapses.

Perhaps they feel a sense of relief or of conquering...and now it's time to shift gears and tackle other challenges or resume other battles they currently face. Maybe they feel that they don't need to be in constant touch or aggressively selling themselves to me anymore because the battle's won?

Whatever it is, it's quite nerve-racking. Like I've said before, I'm a worrywart.... with the physical distance between me and my stories, I feel like silence is deadly and my only way to keep the connection I was able to make when we sat face to face.

So I wait.... and try to preoccupy myself with new challenges/goals.

Such as... speaking with SIR MIX-A-LOT's rep and getting him interested in this little film. Yes, he's INTERESTED! And the way I'm hoping to incorporate him should be a lot of fun. Nope, not going to share just yet in case it doesn't come together. But it's a very exciting development and how could I NOT incorporate the man who created the song that most openly and non-metaphorically proclaimed that a fat ass is indeed a phat ass? It's a part of my childhood -- one of the key anthems we as kids felt inclined to learn and sing along with word-for-word. A fun, silly, party song that didnt provoke huge controversy.

Mix's rep asked me if I had gotten down to the tune in the clubs and I said I certainly got down to it in my parent's basement... :) He got a kick out of that!

Like I said -- 5 steps backwards, a huge spring forward.... keeps you on your toes if nothing else..

Mama, I'm all grown up!

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Stumped!

Totally, utterly stumped is how I feel at the moment.

I just got back a day-trip to NYC to meet a rising young Greek-American pop star. This young lady wins the title of most unique and complex girl I have met thus far on this journey!! (the trophy prototype is still in the design phase)

I was turned onto her by a Greek editor friend of mine as a girl with an “hourglass figure”. So I did some Googling and came across photos and info – body-wise, to me she looked like an absolute stunner, with an ample chest and teeny waist. And no booty shots to judge. But, I’m also learning that I shouldn’t judge quite so much myself. Especially because so many women learn to hide their flaws or at least downplay them.

So I emailed her, to test the waters.

She got back to me with quite a bit of enthusiasm about my project. She said that she’s struggled with her weight and body type her whole life and had earned the nickname of "A-Lo" by guy friends. As a teen, all she had was booty… and fortunately she had grown into the rest of her body and was now more proportioned. (I want to know what water she's been drinking because bottling that booby-potion would be a world-wide hit!) BUT, she went on to say that if I was looking for a girl who could speak candidly about the pressures of being a Mediterranean woman in the music business, I’d come to the right place. She briefly mentioned various disorders she had battled and that she wasn’t willing to drastically change her body and be a cookie-cutter anything to succeed.

Ok, so my curiosity was piqued. But again, all of this is over email.

We were able to pull together some money to send me on a last minute trip to NY to meet her in person. She picked me up from the airport and proceeded what was to become a 6 hour chat session!

First impressions – beautiful, unique face, bubbling and sweet voice, great charm… .but as we got out of the car to get a coffee, I noticed she was wearing a long filmy blouse over black leggings. She gave me a quick, impromptu flash of her booty by lifting up her blouse… and I didn’t know what to say.

The girl has a butt, definitely. But not a booty.
Now what?

And then I started to question my judgment. How and when did I become able to judge booty? What is my measure for what a “booty” should be? If a girl has an "hourglass" instead of a "pear" -- does she immediately not belong in a bootyful journey? Having my own insecurities (that quite frankly, others might see as being a bit warped), should, if anything, make me sympathetic to the insecurities of others - right?

But I experienced something more valuable than meeting another bootyful girl on this trip. I don’t need to rehash all of 6 hours of conversation… but what blew me away was the amount of pressure this gal's been getting from the one place I would never have expected – Greece.

In my mind, I felt that going to Greece again would be extremely liberating. I haven't been in over four years. As a child, I always felt so free there, surrounded by cooing relatives who could find nothing wrong with a happy, healthy child. My childhood memories were such that curves were coveted – the body was nothing to be ashamed of….

Clearly those times have changed and, as I’m starting to discover, there are some deep-rooted problems there. Women are starving themselves, trying to “Americanize” themselves…. Losing sight of the very thing that makes them exotic and unique to the rest of the world, including America!

And our young pop star is right in the middle of this insanity. In NY, she walks down the street and is treated like a goddess. In her parents homeland, she is criticized. So she faces a choice – submit to the demands of her label and possibly lose herself in the process, or fight back, and potentially lose her potential to skyrocket to stardom. Wow.

Typical Greek-style, I was welcomed into her family, fed, taken-care of…. And I think by the end of the day I believe I was beginning to see an ass on the gal because I WANTED there to be an ass. In other words, my judgment was clouded (or made crystal-clear?) based on her honest stories and great charm. Then, as she frantically tried to dig through childhood photos to show me the booty, we couldn’t find it. (But then I'm certain I wouldnt find any booty-emphasizing shots in my family's albums either as I doubt my parents thought to celebrate my rear-end once I moved from bare butt in diapers to pants.)

As we looked through her albums, what we could find, was a girl who wasn’t comfortable with her body and was always trying to contort it to look “better”.

The things we as women let the media and society do to us is incredible. And yet we are fighting an omnipotent machine… I was deeply touched by this young lady and now have to sit back and decide if her compelling story suits the very particular tale I’ve set out to tell. And I thank her for opening up to me and sharing so many intimate details of her struggle. She has inspired me, and I will take that with me.

Thank you, A! xoxo.

Hunt for a Camera Op

I'm currently considering options for a fabulous DOP. So many things to factor in -- personality, style, scheduling, and... meshing with my unique personality.

(he doesn't need to look like the guy in the pic either...just thought I'd try being more visual with my blogs.... I don't even know who this guy is... but I'm sure he's very talented... love the jacket!)

How do you find the perfect balance between calm/cool/collected/experienced and lighthearted/fun? Someone who will compliment you, share advice and concerns, and help you bring to life your very specific vision? You look reaaaaaally hard, that's how.

With this film in particular, the key is that my cohort must also be someone I can be candid around. A very select few have ever seen my silly side -- it's kept well protected from the world at large and brought out only when the coast is completely clear and unthreatening.... But I have to tell you, it's pretty wacky...

I have yet to reach that level of candidness with a crew. I've come close.... but not quite all the way, yet. It's something worth continuing to strive for, even if it takes a lifetime to acheive, that's for sure!

When I started this blog, I somehow envisioned getting a dialogue going through comment posts, etc. When that didn't happen, I first took offence. Then, I realized that part of the appeal of blogs is being able to anonymously follow along and live through another's stories.
In other words, I forgive you all! (jokes)

But, if anyone feels like stepping out of anonymity to offer some fab suggestions for a shooter... I'd be glad to hear from you! I suppose if you have my email, you could just send me a note that way too... I just wanted to make my request that much more dramatic.

In the meantime, hope you're enjoying my ramblings....