We've just finished our "rough cut" -- which for those not in the biz, is the 'draft' of the film. After seeing the film as it stands and after having spent hours upon hours in the edit suite, working with my editor to pick the very best moments for this film, I am beginning to realize that I must now come to terms with what I've created. And also confess to the world a little-known fact about this film.
Here goes.... deep breath.....
This film is....
About ME.
Well, it's about many many other people as well, as you've seen from my blogs... but it's a lot more about me then I have been letting on and, honestly, more than I've let myself believe.
After reading/hearing this confession, those who know me will likely have one of two reactions:
- guys will likely say "no way! wicked! show it off, girl!"
- gals will most likely say "really? why? how.?", etc...
Of course, I'm generalizing. But my point is, I have never really openly talked about any supposed "preoccupation" with or "anxiety" over my booty. My body in general, at various moments in my life, yes... but not specifically my tushie.
When I first dreamt up this idea, over 2 yrs ago, I had been responding to the trend in society. Now that I think about it, I think I was more excited than most of my gal-pals over the Beyonce/JLo booty craze.... I probably just never stopped to think about why. In all honesty, I feel that I am closer to celebrities with 'that' body type than the other "icons" currently out there... so I decided to celebrate it.
But my goal was always to tell MY viewpoint through OTHER 'characters'.
As I begun my research and the shaping of my storylines -- and with significant coaxing from those in power, it became apparent that the story would be stronger if I put a personal spin on it all. Being the behind-the-scenes type, this resulted in far too much anxiety. What sane person, knowing how tv is actually created and manipulated to tell the story the producers want to tell, would openly offer herself up to such a sacrifice? Perhaps I'm not sane after all... this would explain a few things.... I kid, I kid!
I reveal all of this because I feel like I haven't been telling the whole truth about "What A Booty!" Yes, it's a celebration of the female booty. And yes, it's a story seen through my eyes... but it is also a film that has developed into a very personal journey.
I do not have (to my knowledge) a huge ass. Nor do I think I ever did. And I did not have any deep-routed anxiety about my butt based on any specific uncomfortable or traumatic childhood experience. If anything, I'm a little more endowed than most in the posterior department but not to the point where it has ever really limited my enjoyment in life. Or stuck out in extreme disproportion to the rest of me. I certainly used to get a lot more attention for my butt specifically in high school/early university days...perhaps because it might have been the most prominent/defining feature on my body. But these days, well let's just say, to my knowledge, I don't get cat-called mainly from 'behind' as I did in days past...
But, I DO suffer from warped body image and sense of body confidence on the whole.... I confess. And what woman DOESN'T, with the crap we're seeing in Hollywood and in the fashion world?
So, the BUTT in my film is not necessarily MY butt. And I feel it's important for me to say this because I feel sometimes like, in the words of a colleague, "a fraud". I would never have cast myself in this particular role... especially because I've never been drawn to the spotlight in FRONT of the camera... but I see how I can be the conduit and the link in bringing women with powerful perspectives and experiences together for a common goal.
The BUTT becomes a metaphor for any part of us that is exploited, deemed "desirable" or trendy, or that causes us anxiety because it doesn't measure up to society's warped ideals. I really hope this comes through in the film.
When I look back on this experience, I will certainly be shocked and amazed with what I have accomplished.... that goes without saying.
But what I hope for more than anything, is to be a storyteller that the audience can relate to. I've proven capable of engaging audiences with my stories and carefully sought-out characters. This is where my confidence lies. My greatest fear as I move forward (above and beyond proclaiming my inner-most thoughts and ideas to the entire country) is the possibility of failing to engage the audience with ME.
